Mon Amour,

Yesterday, you crossed my mind but that's nothing new. What's new is I remembered something I worked hard to forget and my love, I felt pain in my chest and had to fight back tears. Doing so, I also recalled how often you told me to cry when I want to and allow pain to be because that's the only way to have a better tomorrow. I suppose you didn't know back then how I felt about each tear that welled up. How weak I feel if I let it stream down my face and be followed by a few more. How I'm afraid more than anything to ruin an imagine I built for myself to show the world how I'm actually strong and my feelings don't get the best of me at times.. Or maybe you did. You probably did. I didn't wake up to your call asking me if I've cried myself to sleep, again just for the sake of it. You probably had made up your mind before then. Your choice was to leave me behind and move on, as if I was heavy bag that's holding you back.

You must've suffered a lot by being with a person who doesn't admit her feelings. Hell, you must've been through a lot of mental war all because of me.

This is nothing important to be said and it really doesn't matter. I just wanted to make it fully clear how even after an entire year, you're still my first thought in each morning and my last thought each night. While we're at it, my love, I cry now. Just so you know. I don't hold back feelings.

Stray, Uncalled for Thoughts.

I am ready to admit that I'm not the best when it comes to studies and I'm also ready to give excuses. I don't enjoy studying. Or more so, memorizing things and then pouring them out on paper. Being able to memorize doesn't make one smart.
I much prefer discussions. Open talks about anything that include opinions and proven facts. I like wisdom and lessons we learn from our experiences. That's what we can't get by sitting in a classroom for an hour while your teacher is going on and on about a topic you fail to find interest in while your stomach growls so loud, you're getting odd glares from the person next to you.
Now don't get me wrong, schools are wonderful and I did learn a whole lot but I would say that the majority of what I "learnt", I forgot. Why? Because it wasn't necessary for my everyday life. It wasn't something I wanted or felt the need to know so I never bothered to keep it in my head.
Yet, don't even get me started on the pressure to do well. The constant pressure to get straight A's, "or else..". The continues fear of not being good enough that was planted in our heads from day one. The fact that we were taught that if we don't do well, we become the so labeled as "losers" or a "failures" and these are words no 12 year old ever wanted to go near and ever hear.
Yet here I am at 18, mad at this. I am not my GPA, I'm thoughts and ideas and drawings and light movements and many cups of coffee. I am who chose a major that fits me. Yet, why am I sleepless at 1:34 AM on a Friday thinking of all the thoughts "they" have about me and everything they expect from me and how much I'm not living up to them? Why can't I be the one that decides if I'm happy with myself or not? Why have I let their words haunt me so much that I believed them?
Nevertheless, I am not a disappointment. I am not a failure. I am not a loser. I am not an underachiever and I am certainly not a no-hoper.
I am Shouq. I am a name and many ideas and thoughts.

4 AM

There were a bunch before you and after you yet why do I find myself wide awake at 4 AM thinking of you? Of all the things I've fallen for in you but refused to blurt? Of all the words you told me, I believed were lies you told every girl you met? Of the sound of your cries I heard long after we declared our hate for each other when I couldn't leave your front steps? Of the way you held my hand so tightly when it was time for me to go? Of how we both felt everything so strongly but hid it all so well? Of how now and then I wonder if I ever still cross your mind? Of how I'm starting to wonder how different things would've been if we just accepted the feelings we felt? Of how you're probably the only one for me like how one of your lies said?
-S.B

The Approaching

The future
Though exciting
It's extremely intimidating

The future
The unknown
What is waiting

Though exciting
I am filled with fear
Thoughts of what ifs

Life
Takes you up and down
In a matter of seconds

I will never know
I could rely on signs
But that's just false hope

I go on my days
Based on my anxiety
Based on possibilities

I avoid talks at times
Words hurt me
And I'm already scarred and bruised

There are time I can't stand
Being all alone
With my thoughts

Other days I avoid happiness
In fear
Of being sad once again

I admitted
I am not strong
And that's the saddest part

I crave comfort
The peace of mind I once had

دعاء ليلة القدر.

احتمال انها ليلة القدر؛ فادعي لنفسك.

ياودود

ياودود   

ياودود          

ياذا العرش المجيد 

يافعال لما تريد

لك الحمد ولك الشكر على جميع النعم

اللهم لك الحمدكماينبغي لجلال وجهك وعظيم سلطانك

اللهم ياحي ياقيوم صل على محمد وعلى آل محمد كما صليت على ابراهيم وعلى ال ابرهيم انك حميد مجيد

يارب يارب يارب

اسألك بعزك الذي لايرام

وبملكك الذي لا يضام

وبنورك الذي ملأ اركان عرشك

يامغيث اغثني ..

يامغيث اغثني..

يامغيث اغثني..

(اذكر حاجتك)

(اللہم لا تشمت اعدائي بدائي، واجعل القرآن العظيم دوائي وشفائي، انت ثقتي ورجائي واجعل حسن ظني بك شفائي،

اللهم ثبت علي عقلي وديني، وبك يا رب ثبت لي يقيني وارزقني رزقاً حلالاً يكفيني وابعد عني شر من يؤذيني، ولا تحوجني لطبيب يداويني،

 اللهم استرني على وجه الارض، اللهم ارحمني في بطن الارض، اللهم اغفرلي يوم العرض عليك ، بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم طريقي والرحمن رفيقي والرحيم يحرسني من كل شيء يلمسني، اللهم اعوذ بك من شر النفاثات في العقد ومن شر حاسد اذا حسد،

اللهم اني عبدك ابن عبدك ابن امتك ناصيتي بيدك ماض في حكمك، عدل في قضاؤك اسالك بكل اسم هو لك سميت به نفسك أو أنزلته في كتابك أو علمته أحداً من خلقك او استاثرت به في علم الغيب عندك أن تجعل القرآن ربيع قلبي ونور صدري وجلاء حزني وذهاب همي،

اللهم يا مسهل الشديد و ياملين الحديد و يامنجز الوعيد و يا من هو كل يوم في امر جديد، اخرجني من حلق الضيق الى اوسع الطريق بك ادفع ما لا اطيق ، ولا حول ولا قوة الا بالله العلي العظيم،

اسالك اللهم بقدرتك التي حفظت بها يونس في بطن الحوت ، ورحمتك التي شفيت بها ايوب بعد الابتلاء ان لاتبق لي هما ولاحزنا ولاضيقا ولاسقما الا فرجته، وان اصبحت بحزن فامسيني بفرح و ان نمت على ضيق فايقظني على فرج، وان كنت بحاجه فلا تكلني إلى سواك وان تحفظني لمن يحبني وتحفظ لي احبتي،

اللهم انك لا تحمل نفساً فوق طاقتها فلا تحملني من كرب الحياة مالا طاقة لي به وباعد بيني وبين مصائب الدنيا وتقلب حوادثها كما باعدت بين المشرق والمغرب،

اللهم بشرني بالخير كما بشرت يعقوب بيوسف وبشرني بالفرح كما بشرت زكريا بيحيى،

اللهم بشر من أرسل لي هذا الدعاء بحاجة تفرح قلبه وتدمع عيناه منها، اللهم يامن لا تضيع لديك الودائع احفظني واهلي واحبتى  والمؤمنين.وصل اللهم على نبينا محمد وعلى اله وصحبه اجمعين،

في هذه الساعه، ربي ها أنت ترى مكاني و تسمع كلامي و أنت أعلم من عبادك بحالي ربي شكواي لك لا لأحد من خلقك فاقبلني في رحابك في هذه الساعة المباركه، ربي إني طرقت بابك فافتح لي أبواب سمواتك و أجرني من عظيم بلائك،

اللهم يا مسخر القوي للضعيف و مسخر الجن لنبينا سليمان و مسخر الطير و الحديد لنبينا داود و مسخر النار لنبينا ابراهيم(سخر لي عبادك الطيبين من حولي وسهل لي أموري وارزقني من حيث لا أحتسب) ، ربي بحولك و قوتك و عزتك و قدرتك أنت القادر علي ذلك وحدك لا شريك لك.. 

اللهم إني أسألك بخوفي من عظمتك و طمعي برحمتك  أن ترزقني ما كان خيرا لي في ديني و دنياي   و معاشي و عاقبة أمري عاجله و اجله، 

اللهم إني أشكو لك قلة حيلتي و هوان أمري و ضعف قوتي، اللهم إني أسألك أن تصرف عني شتات العقل و الأمر و التفكير، ربي اثرني و لا تؤثر على ، ربي انصرني و لا تنصر علي. إلهي ارحم ضعفي و فرج همي و اجبر كسري و امن خوفي و امطرني برزق من عندك لا حد له،  و فرج من عندك لا مد له، و خير من عندك لا عدد له،

اللهم إن كان رزقي في السماء فأنزله وإن كان في الأرض فأخرجه وإن كان بعيدا فقربه وإن كان قريبا فيسره وإن كان قليلا فكثره وإن كان كثيرا فبارك لي ڤيہٌ اللهم ولمرسلها مثل ذلك،

يارب في هذه الساعه أسالك الراحه لكل مسلم ضاقت عليه دنياه وذرفت عيناه  يا الله أفرح قلوبا أنهكها التمني وبشر أصحابها بفرح لايذكرهم بوجعهم واسعد قلوبهم وأسعدنا بصحبتهم.اللهم إغفر لوالدي وادخلهم جنتك ياأرحم الراحمين. 

اللهم اعتق رقابنا من النار، اللهم انك عفو كريم تحب العفو فاعف عنا، اللهم صل وسلم على محمد وآل محمد، استغفر الله واتوب اليه.

The Effect of You

You're back in my head, you bastard!
I wake up and check my phone in hopes that some magic will happen, you'll notice me and perhaps have something to say.
I anticipate the hours as the day goes and refresh your profile multiple times maybe there's something I haven't noticed.
I look to my right and left with full faith that I'll get a glimpse of you.
If I do see you, I can't keep my eyes off you and that is dangerous. Could cause me trouble.
I feel like I'm going crazy by this point. I'm fine for a day and mad with the thought of you for five.
I never thought I would reach this point and I am utterly shameful to admit that my thoughts or more so, you, are controlling how I function and how's my mood.
I made a vow to gain back my sanity and this is not exactly how it should go like.
Not sure if this is what you call a "crush" but this much trouble coming from it, I don't like it very much.

House of Cards

A house was built 

Out of cards it was

Hand in hand we walked in

Like fools we lived at

We dared not think about

The future be it near or far

Now is good

Was my only thought

Like fools again, as it collapsed

We sat still and got scared

Even if tomorrow is uncertain

You said, it's just you and I that matter

Only we matter, I kept repeating

Even as you left the house of cards

The last thing I saw was your back

And how you shattered the remnants of cards behind you

-S.B