Happiness

"Life only gets worse to reach its best." is what life has taught me throughout those 15 years that I've been alive in.

Finding happiness is not easy what so ever, but you'll regret the time you've wasted being sad or upset after you find it.

I, just like many others, was a fluff made of depression. I'd start my day perfectly fine and end my day with wishing death upon myself. I found escapes. Many escapes, actually. But my depression was too strong to be escaped from. It got worse day by day. Yes, i was joyful. Yes, i was always smiling. But things aren't always what they seem. I was a good faker, i admit. But maybe i did have those great happy days but, they too did not last. Whenever i tell someone about my depression and complain a little, they'd tell me to be thankful.. You think i was not thankful? I have a safe haven. I've got family and friends. I've got clean water to drink. I've got clothes to cover up with. Why wouldn't i be thankful? My depression just came out of the blue. It made my head go through 991083734 thought a second. I'd hear voices screaming in my head. It was scary. Very scary. I refused to believe people who told me "its just a phase that will go by". I even refused to believe it when i tried convincing myself. My reply was always "I'm realistic" when people would tell me that i'm too negative. But i was lying to myself. I was too negative and i knew it, i just didn't want to admit it. My fears turned into anxieties and phobias. "Its all in my head. Nothing is true" i told myself. The first thing i'd think about when something bad happens was always death. I tried so hard to be strong and held things back for too long, until i reached a point where i could no longer take it. I just wanted death. As shameful as i am to say this, i even self-harmed myself. It was a piece of cake to hold a razor up to my left wrist but was the toughest thing to actually slit my wrist. I cried. Cried a lot. It stung while showering. It killed when rubbed against my clothes. It was addicting. I wanted to do it more and more but no. I thought i'm good at hiding things until one thing lead to another and i woke up in the middle of the night with people messaging me "why?" "but why?" "why shouq?". It wasn't that easy to answer....
I spent the rest of my day crying. On my way to school, at school, on my way back home and at home.
Seeing all those people talking to me and realizing that lots of people do care about me.. I was too focused on the bad, that i totally forgot about the good in life!
I was ignorant when it came to lifes' goods.
There will always be a special place in my heart for those who led me to the right path when i got a little twisted.
Life isn't such a horrible place, once you think about it. Its all in your head. Your a-bit-too-negative head.
Happiness is always around there you just never notice it.

I just felt the need to share my little story.
Boring? my apologies.
Give me your opinion and yeah. x