Myself? Who's that?

I admit that i don't know myself as much as i need to.

I constantly confuse myself so i can't blame people when they describe me as confusing.

I'm not sane yet I'm not exactly insane. I'm that thing right in the middle.

I'm not mature yet I'm not childish. I have my times.

I can't make mind up easily due the loads of thoughts and ideas in my mind.

I'm not exactly who i thought i were, but i guess I'm fine.

I try my hardest to find reasons to accept myself and i end up giving up with none.

Why should i accept myself?

I haven't been doing anything i wished to do.

I'm not as good as i thought i were.

I mistreated and hurt people who didn't deserve that.

I haven't made anyone proud of me.

I accomplished nothing.

Its really strange. Upsetting in a way.

I do want to change but I'm not welling to.. 

Self, what is wrong with you?

Why must you act so cold and blue?

Why can't you just go back to your old self? 

The good, truly happy person you were?

Fancy changing for the sake of living better?

Please do keep that in mind.

I will be waiting.

I won't rush things.

Take your time.

But please do.

A letter to my dear self..

Dear self,

You may not be the best in everything, or the most good looking, but dear, trust me; you're something rare.

One with such a genuine pure heart shouldn't be feeling the way you do.

Its just another day. You may or may not have one again.. How does that make you feel?

Mature, understanding, oddly amazing, pure and honest. And you still claim that you're not perfect?

Sometimes, its not about the best looking skin or nose. Sometimes its the features within. 

I know that you don't like crossing your limits yet you like change. As you often would say, "change is good. Hell, change is really good". 

I know that you try your hardest to cheer yourself up when you're sad.

I know that you hate being around people who don't really think.

I know things you may not even know about yourself.

You're not someone I'm ready to lose anytime soon so please, do let me know when i make a mistake. Don't just back off. disappear. pretend i don't exist.

I said what i have to, though i will be back. 

May you be stronger than yesterday.

May you keep your insanity at bay.

Dear self, you're loved.

Emptiness

Do you ever just feel empty? Like everything around you is not as interesting as it once was? You get bored of anything and everything. Nothing interest you anymore. You just stay there and wonder about life.. Is this really happening? What is life? How did i get here? Why am i like this? Along with a thousand other unanswered questions.

You have no idea what it is. It just feels so odd.

You want to escape this emptiness but you also don't want to take a risk. You hate the way you are but you're not welling to change. 

Everything seems complicated. 

And at some point you wonder to yourself "why am i still alive?".. But nobody can answer that. 

And this emptiness goes on...

Dear stranger

Dear stranger,

With amazing I start, words locked up in my heart, you're a breathtaking work of art.

You weren't pas nécessaire anybody I've seen before. Everything about you was breath takingly spectacular. 

You talked like you were saying your name. How you placed your words so effortlessly. They came out of your mouth so smoothly , it didn't fail to make me fall for you.

Your moves. That oh so perfect face of yours. Those wide perfectly sparking eyes. That sculpted jaw line. And those cheekbones so perfect they look like they're drawn. 

I kept looking for a reason to stop myself from falling for that magnificent charming appearance of yours but i didn't find any..

And like the perfect cherry on top of the whipped cream on a refreshing berry smoothie, your mind was there. 

Your mind. Oh your mind. Your thoughts and how you were able to use them made me forget what breathing is. Just hearing your name made my heart flutter.

Oh stranger, you have no idea how i here am suffering just thinking about you. I like you so much, i think I'm in love.. I think.

The silence of a living soul..

Darkness. Darkness was all she could see, hear and feel. It was scary. Creepy in a way. She never knew what was waiting for her nor did she have any slightest clue. Day by day all she saw and heard was a major fluff of nothingness. Surprising things waiting to happen. Everything that happens was nonsense. It did not make sense nor will it do. Cruelty was all she ever felt happening towards her..

You see, she didn't know how to express how she felt or the fears she faced.
Not so long ago a mother gave birth to a little creature but "it" was too sick to function. She wasn't able to speak, hear nor see. Just thinking about it, will give one shivers. You think to yourself, how? How can one live that way? But God made them that way and He sure will find a solution. God would never create something he won't help. He's too merciful to. 

Never good enough..

You know, i'm just really tired of people never having faith in me, calling me dumb and doubting my abilities.

I do try my hardest but i just can never seem to be even close to good or even acceptable.

Its upsetting.. Sad, in a way.

Its always me that is the least smart and beautiful.

I did not choose the way i look..

I'm not dumb. Not wanting to study and not being able to force myself to does not mean i'm dumb.

Having troubles memorizing does not mean i'm dumb.

Having a messed up mind does not mean i'm dumb either.

I can think. I understand, surprisingly... I am not dumb.

I'm sick of being this weak, fragile human being.

Why judge a person by last semesters' mark?

Maybe that person had troubles last semester.

Maybe that person will work harder and will be better this semester.

Maybe even that person has a mind that only functions affectionately after midnight.

Reasons are uncountable.

Losers do not exist.

Words really can mentally ache more than physical aches so be careful when saying them.

Don't call me dumb.

Have a little faith in me.

Support me a bit.

Help me study.

Maybe then i'll stop being "dumb".

Happiness

"Life only gets worse to reach its best." is what life has taught me throughout those 15 years that I've been alive in.

Finding happiness is not easy what so ever, but you'll regret the time you've wasted being sad or upset after you find it.

I, just like many others, was a fluff made of depression. I'd start my day perfectly fine and end my day with wishing death upon myself. I found escapes. Many escapes, actually. But my depression was too strong to be escaped from. It got worse day by day. Yes, i was joyful. Yes, i was always smiling. But things aren't always what they seem. I was a good faker, i admit. But maybe i did have those great happy days but, they too did not last. Whenever i tell someone about my depression and complain a little, they'd tell me to be thankful.. You think i was not thankful? I have a safe haven. I've got family and friends. I've got clean water to drink. I've got clothes to cover up with. Why wouldn't i be thankful? My depression just came out of the blue. It made my head go through 991083734 thought a second. I'd hear voices screaming in my head. It was scary. Very scary. I refused to believe people who told me "its just a phase that will go by". I even refused to believe it when i tried convincing myself. My reply was always "I'm realistic" when people would tell me that i'm too negative. But i was lying to myself. I was too negative and i knew it, i just didn't want to admit it. My fears turned into anxieties and phobias. "Its all in my head. Nothing is true" i told myself. The first thing i'd think about when something bad happens was always death. I tried so hard to be strong and held things back for too long, until i reached a point where i could no longer take it. I just wanted death. As shameful as i am to say this, i even self-harmed myself. It was a piece of cake to hold a razor up to my left wrist but was the toughest thing to actually slit my wrist. I cried. Cried a lot. It stung while showering. It killed when rubbed against my clothes. It was addicting. I wanted to do it more and more but no. I thought i'm good at hiding things until one thing lead to another and i woke up in the middle of the night with people messaging me "why?" "but why?" "why shouq?". It wasn't that easy to answer....
I spent the rest of my day crying. On my way to school, at school, on my way back home and at home.
Seeing all those people talking to me and realizing that lots of people do care about me.. I was too focused on the bad, that i totally forgot about the good in life!
I was ignorant when it came to lifes' goods.
There will always be a special place in my heart for those who led me to the right path when i got a little twisted.
Life isn't such a horrible place, once you think about it. Its all in your head. Your a-bit-too-negative head.
Happiness is always around there you just never notice it.

I just felt the need to share my little story.
Boring? my apologies.
Give me your opinion and yeah. x

Break Free..

It wasn't like one of these things where people would say "Oh yeah, i know how you feel." and actually mean it. It wasn't like something she was used to. All of it was new to her, in every way possible.

There she was. Shouq. The weak skinny curly haired girl that came all by herself to a school she has never been to before and knows nobody but a couple of relatives she prayed that she don't see in. She found out that she wasn't at the same school her friends were at a few weeks before the first day of school and couldn't possibly get more nervous. She felt like crying, screaming and hurting someone but that wouldn't have helped her so she just kept it all to herself and started praying she doesn't cry while walking into that little piece of hell, they call "School".

The night before the first day of school -like everybody else- she couldn't sleep because dear insomnia decided to give a little visit. When her mother came to wake her up, she pretended to be asleep (what a marvelous actor she is). She started yawning and making those 'leave me alone, i want to sleep' noises to catch up with her act. She then went and took a shower, wore her little-too-big uniform, did what she had to do and then off to school, she went. 

She stepped out of the car and with a few directions from her sister -who had too attended this school-. She was fully prepped, skinny yet tough looking from the outside but on the edge of bursting into tears from the inside, she walked through the schools' gate, trying her best not to shed a tear. Even with her sisters introductions she was lost a few times but teachers where standing everywhere so she was just about fine. When one of the teachers led her to her class, her heart beats got louder and faster like she was about to make the most important decision of her life.

Shouq has made the decision to be an invisible and not catch attention as much as possible but her classmates talk alot. Day after day, she took her books with her to read instead of socializing with her classmates who she strongly disliked. Reasons: 1- Calling her "chicken nugget" or "bnt merry" because she says a couple of english words while talking. B- Because she's not able to communicate with them properly. C- Because her mind doesn't function the way their minds do. 

Months passed and in those several months Shouq has been taught that; books make great company, to stay strong and learnt to deal with things, she learnt to stand up for her own opinion and that things won't always stay the same.

She doesn't cry anymore, is careless, tough and just fine.

-This was this weeks challenge that Sophie came up with. It's called "Break Free". The name itself is pretty self explanatory. I did it "story style" because i felt like it suites it better. Yup.

Outside My Comfort Zone

They were almost perfect! She threw her arm around him and she hugged him, And for a second he hugged her back, but then she felt something in him change and he was pulling her to him as if he couldn't let her go. When he took her face in his hands and brushed her hair aside with hid fingertips she knew what was coming and she thought perhaps she should warn him that she'd never been kissed before (not in the way he was about to kiss her at least). But then something inside her began to change, too, and she didn't have time to think or talk because her body was melting into him as if that was what it was meant to do, and her mouth was joining his and she could taste the iced tea they drank earlier on his tongue, and if he had wanted to, she would have kissed him all night.

- Sophie came up with this challenge and i thought why not do it so i did it. (not everybody's going to accept or like it but keep in mind that i don't care)

50 Things I Like..

1-Books.
2-Being alone.
3-Healthy food.
4-Working out.
5-Making people happy.
6-Getting good grades.
7-Summer vacations.
8-Spring breaks.
9-Travelling.
10-Maintaining my prayers.
11-Twitter.
12-Tumblr.
13-Youtube.
14-Cup soup.
15-Bath & Body Works.
16-Getting a foot massage.
19-Having nothing to do.
20-Going to book stores.
21-Rain.
22-My iPad.
23-Speaking in English.
24-Passing an exam i didn't study for.
25-Being called mature.
26-After midnight.
27-Going to the beach.
28-Doing charity work.
29-Showering at night.
30-Good songs.
31-Watching movies.
32-Relating to something that happen to other people.
33-Having nightmares.
34-Sleepovers.
35-Getting a positive feedback.
36-Eating ice cubes.
37-Going out with my friends.
38-Having free periods.
39-Sales.
40-Nail polish.
41-Scented anti-bacterial hand gels.
42-Finding clothes that fit perfectly.
43-Skyping with people.
44-Getting compliments.
45-Friday family gathering.
46-Kissing my grandmothers forehead.
47-Leaving a good imprecation.
48-Getting into debates.
49-Proving people wrong.
50-Waking up early on a vacation.

After midnight..

After midnight is the time i most fear the most but love at the same time. I fear it for many reasons, and mostly because i'd usually get anxious, depressed and get extreme mood swings. I'd sometimes start my day perfectly fine but then turn into a depressed self-hating fluff of mess a while later. Its not something i can control very easily, like everyone said i can. I know myself better than you, you can't tell me what i can and cannot. I still love after midnight since my mind starts functioning in a better way (in my opinion) and i can do whatever i want, alone, all by myself. I strongly feel like things that don't make sense in the morning, will somehow make sense after midnight. But i kind of believe that anything can be done, in a better way at that time. I don't like sleeping, i only do it because i have to and when i do, i don't do it much. Its just some of these things that i feel like are a waste of time but are important so it must be done, even for a little while. This might seem like total nonsense, but it makes perfect sense to me.

In my head..

Going through your day and all that you think about is ways to run away from everything and everyone. Your mind goes through a million thought every second and you just end up being depressed and crying. You wake up every morning and hate the fact that you're still alive and that you have to fake a smile all day. Everything seems perfectly fine from the outside but once you start thinking about it, you'll only then realize how messed up everything is and how everything is just so wrong. You're happy, you just have your ups and downs and lately it has been mostly downs.You don't hate people but you'll just do anything to stay alone and when you do, only then you'll notice that staying alone isn't as bad as everyone describes it to be. And then you get those sudden mood swings that no one will ever understand you can't control very easily but you only learn to simply deal with it. It costs pushing people away and hating the fact that some people are close to you but you don't mean to do all of that, it just happens. You try to be as happy as possible but most of the times you just fail miserably. Having depression, crying yourself to sleep and waking up in the middle of the night became a totally normal "routine" and you just dealt with it all and now it became a way of living that not everyone will understand because not everyone have gone through it like you did. You keep telling yourself "Its just a phase that will go by". Sometimes it helps but most of the times it doesn't and you go through your day with a fake smile and a mind that yells "DEATH DEATH" every. single. second.